An FBI agent (Samuel L. Jackson) takes on a plane full of deadly and poisonous snakes, deliberately released to kill a witness being flown from Honolulu to Los Angeles to testify against a mob boss.

My sister rented Snakes on a Plane from Netflix. Don’t know why, but she did. We live together and I had nothing else to do so I watched it with her. The opening sequence seemed promising and completely out of step with the plot of the film. In fact, it reminded me of Adam Sandler’s 50 First Dates, but there was absolutely nothing funny, cute, or even mildly interesting about Snakes on a Plane. In fact, if I saw this film in a movie theater, not only would I have walked out, I would have also asked for my money back, picked up the nearest blunt object and whacked the ticket booth agent with it, drove down to LA and kicked the director, writer and producers of Snakes on a Plane right square in the crotch! But, that’s just me.

There was simply not one redeemable scene or moment in this film. No eye candy, except for the cute long-haired Asian gangster who was in the film for about a second. I like Samuel Jackson and Bobby Cannavale (played Hank Harris) who were absolutely wasted in this film. I get that the goal of the film was for it to be campy, but camp just happens. John Watters can make campy films, but Cellular and Final Destination director David R. Ellis, not so much. In fact, isn’t camp supposed to be funny. I didn’t laugh. The so-called funny scenes and lines were just so contrived and badly delivered. And I thought the snakes biting the blonde with the very bad die job in the breast and the “stud” in the penis were simply ridiculous. Not to mention that, that stupid line, “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”, came from absolutely nowhere and was said in the strangest, unfunniest tone. It’s like Jackson and Cannavale were all making one movie while the rest of the cast (all mediocre actors and actresses in their own right, including Julianna Marguiles) were making another movie. What a mess!

Every intention for camp was negated by every attempt at humor. Snakes on a Plane was just a really, really, painfully bad film. Thoughts of Failure to Launch and Mission to Mars, two of the worst films I’ve ever watched (the second I walked out on; the former I would have if I weren’t with a friend), came to mind and conjure familiar feelings of disappointment and disgust. Not only would I suggest not to rent this film, or skip this film, burn it! Then forget, if you can, you ever watched it.